A couple of weeks ago my husband and I were running errands. I thought we were going to Kohls to make some returns, he thought we were going to Lowe’s. He was driving.
We are still new to this city, so we are still trying to find our way around town. I didn’t think he knew how to get to Kohls so I kept trying to give him directions, but he assured me he knew how to get there. It was obvious to me we were going the wrong direction, but I figured he either knew of a different Kohls or would eventually realize he was lost. When we pulled into the Lowe’s parking lot, he got out of the car like nothing was wrong. That was when I realized we were each headed to separate destinations.
Mission statements help you determine together what your final destination will be. It helps you both get on the same page and determine what you want out of your relationship and life together. Stephen Covey, the author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, explained that even with a mission statement, “Good families–even great families–are off track 90 percent of the time.” What makes them good families is that they have a clear destination–so they know how to get back on track.
Writing a marriage mission statement does not have to be overwhelming. I have outlined 12 steps that will help you from start to finish!
Make it a special occasion. You may want to do this over a vacation week or special getaway. Even a weekend home with no distractions will work well. Just make it deliberate and intentional.
Make sure both partners get an equal say. Listen carefully and seek to understand each other’s perspective. Write down the things you discuss.
Who do you want to be? What do you want said at your funeral? What marriage legacy do you want to leave?
What matters most to you? What kind of spouse do you want to be? How do you want to resolve conflict? How do you want to treat each other? How do you want your partner to feel because of you? What traditions do you want as part of your family? What do you want your children to learn about relationships by watching you?
You can’t have 50 things that matter most. Choose the most crucial elements that represent the core of what you value and who you want to become.
You are going for concise here. 5-10 sentences.
Many people write out their marriage mission statement and then tuck it in a drawer and forget about it. Put yours in a prominent place in your home that you will see it often.
Your marriage mission statement should impact your actions on a daily basis. These aren’t just good ideas to hang on the wall. These are core values and principles that you want to guide your life. Use it!!
Life circumstances change. You get older and wiser. You learn from your mistakes and boil out the fluff to what matters most. It’s okay for your marriage mission statement to change if necessary. When we did this many years ago, I was so worried about getting it absolutely perfect that it was a “work in progress” for years. Finally, I had to accept that it was okay to change it later if we wanted to and use what we had in the meantime.
Use “how” questions to help guide you. How are we going to spend more time together? How are we going to feel close and connected?
This is the reason you want your marriage mission statement concise. Memorizing your mission statement makes a huge difference! Those words will come back to your mind in moments when you need them most.
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Dr. Kim Blackham is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist and Supervisor. She has extensive training in Sex Therapy and Sexual Addiction Therapy and is a frequent contributor to both online and print media. As the wife of a surgeon, she is passionate about and uniquely qualified to help couples in medical marriages. For more information about working with Dr. Blackham, please read about her exclusive intensive marriage therapy retreats.
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